funny quotes

quotes on funny

 Practice makes perfect, but nobody’s perfect, so why practice?
     A- You are attractive
     B- You are best
     C- You are cute
     D- You are dear
     E- You are excellent
     F- You are funny
     G- You are good looking
     H- he he he
     I- I am
     J- Joking.


1.   “There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other
      people's cultures and the Dutch.”
      Goldmember (2002) – Nigel Powers (Michael Caine)
2.    "I'll be back" - Terminator 2
      "Bond, James Bond" - Dr No
      "You Can't handle the truth"- A Few Good Men
      "Frankly. My dear, I don't give a damn" - Gone with the Wind.
3.      "I'm sort of a big deal"- Anchorman
      "B-E-A-U-tiful!"- Bruce Almighty
      "To infinity and beyond!"- Toy Story
      "Go ahead, make my day."- Sudden Impact

4.    The Dictator (2012)
      Nadal: Look, where has being a nice guy gotten you, huh? Of a bridge about to commit suicide? Still wearing Crocs?
      Aladeen: What's wrong with Crocs?
      Nadal: They are the universal symbol of a man who has given up hope!

5.   Me, Myself & Irene (2000)
     Charlie: I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.
     Irene: What's it called?
     Charlie: Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
     I like seeing you, I like hearing you,
     I like to spend my time with you but
     you are always surrounded by others as
     you are the main attraction of zoo.
     Not every  flowers can represent love but roses did it
     Not every tree can stand thirst but cactus did it
     Not every monkey can read sms but you did it.
     A man got 2 wishes from god
funny quotes always says that

6.   “I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults
      that we are. Isn't that right, Mr. Poopy Pants?”
      The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear (1991) – Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)

7.   “I'm a mog - half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend.”
      Spaceballs (1987) – Barf (John Candy)

8.   “I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I
      remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese
      sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say...”Hey! Look at
      these!"”
      The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear (1991) – Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)

9.   “We Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The
      only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation but I hear that's coming
      quickly.”
  
      History of the World Part I (1981) – Comicus (Mel Brooks)

10.   “Dear Lillian, soon I hope to take you on a Caribbean cruise, where we can hold
      hands on a soft summer's evening and watch that old Jamaican moon. Why that old
      Jamaican will be mooning us, I have no idea.”
  
      Brain Donors (1992) – Roland T. Flakfizer (John Turturro)

11.   “I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty
      parts.”
  
      Bananas (1971) – Fielding Mellish (Woody Allen)
     

 excellent funny quotes by famous people they says that    He asked for the best drink and the best girl ever!
       Next moment he got Mineral Water and Mother Teresa
      Moral : ‘Be Specific’
      Three kinds of people in world :
      Some remain single and see wonders happen,
      Some have girlfriends and make wonders happen,
      Rest get married and wonder what happened.

      -ABC: Always be careful
      -DEF: Don’t ever forget me)
      JKLM: Just keep loving me
      NOPQRSTUVW: No other person quite right shall teach u very well.
      A guy was in the pub, one night with his girlfriend and said “I Love You”…
      Girl Friend : Is that you or the beer talking…?
      The Guy said : it’s me talking to the beer…..
      A man gave 50 rupees tip to waiter.
      Waiter- Yesterday your son gave 500 rupees tip and you gave only 50 ?
      Reply by man – He is the son of millionare, Iam the son of a farmer.
      I don’t know why people give me lot of respect, when I send SMS
      They put their head down and read.
      Just like you.
      My God….

funny quotes from movies

12.  The Hangover (2009)
     Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
     Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.

13.   21 Jump Street (2012)
      Schmidt: [referring to a wall in his parents' house displaying many photos of him as a youth] It looks like I died in a car crash and you never got over me.

14.   Dumb & Dumber (1994)
      Lloyd: This isn't my real job, you know.
      Mary: No?
      Lloyd: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.
      Mary: That's nice.
      Lloyd: I got worms!
      Mary: I beg your pardon?
      Lloyd: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.

15.   Airplane! (1980)
      Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
      Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
      Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

16.   “Attention. Here's an update on tonight's dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The
      winner of tonight's mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed ‘some kind of
      beef.’”
  
      Meatballs (1979) – Tripper (Bill Murray)

17.   “There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your
      flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?”
 
      Airplane (1980) – Elaine Dickinson (Julie Hagerty)

18. “Even Oedipus didn't see his mother coming.”
  
      Basic Instinct 2 (2006) – Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone)

19. “Time wounds all heels.”
  
      Go West (1940) – S. Quentin Quale (Groucho Marx)

20. “Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.”
  
      What About Bob? (1991) – Bob Wiley (Bill Murray)

21.   Crazy fans!!
      A great scholar William shakespear once said
      “The real problem doesn’t start when a boy starts looking at girl,
      It begins when she turns back and give a smile”!
      Dad to son- when I beat you, how do you control your anger.
      Son- I start cleaning toilet.
      Dad- How does that help?
      Son- I clean with your Tooth Brush….
      Daughter- I am in love with neighbor,
      So I am running away with him.
      Dad : Thanks dear, you have saved money and time
      Daughter : Dad! I am reading this letter left by mom….
      A psychological fact-
      When two Indian couples come face to face…!
      Wives look at each others dressings
      And Husbands look at each others wife….
      Student suddenly walk out of the class
      Professor: asks why is this fellow walking out of my class?
      Children: Sir, he has the habit of walking while sleeping.
      Angry husband sent sms to father-in-law…
      Your product, not meeting my requirement.
      Smart father-in-law
      WARANTY EXPIRED,
      MANUFACTURER NOT RESPONSIBLE.

22. “I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of
      elderberries.  Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."
  
      Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) – French Soldier (John Cleese)

23. “What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd?  Let’s get the flock out of here.”
      Lethal Weapon (1987) – Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson)

24. “God gave men brains larger than dogs' so they wouldn't hump women's legs at
      cocktail parties.”
  
      Hackers (1995) – Kate Libby (Angelina Jolie)

25. “The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”
  
      Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989) – Cliff Stern (Woody Allen)

26. “Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or
      something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.”
  
      Dumb and Dumber (1994) – Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels)

27. “I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my
      socks.”
  
      A Night at the Opera (1935) – Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho Marx)

28. “I’m kind of psychic.  I have a fifth sense.  It’s like I have ESPN or something.”
  
      Mean Girls (2004) – Karen Smith (Amanda Seyfried)

29. “Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marching across your face.”
      Steel Magnolias (1989) – Truvy (Dolly Parton)

30. “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”
  
      Animal House (1978) – Dean Wormer (John Vernon)

31. "A jester unemployed is nobody's fool."
  
      The Court Jester (1955) - Hubert Hawkins (Danny Kaye)

32. “Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.”
  
      The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990) – Ford Fairlane (Andrew Dice Clay)

33. “Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.”
      City Slickers (1991) - Mitch Robbins (Billy Crystal)

34. “When women go wrong, men go right after them.”
      She Done Him Wrong (1933) – Lady Lou (Mae West)

35.  The Pink Panther (2006)
     [footsteps are heard in the background]
     Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Shhhh! Footsteps. It's a young woman... 30 to 35 years old... 5'2", 5'4", brunette. And she is wearing high heels. Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon. And she has on... Chanel N°5.
     [a male in his forties walks in]
     Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Is there anyone with you?
     Yuri: No.
     Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Are you carrying a pair of high heels in that bag?
     Yuri: No.
     Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Not even a small pair of pumps?
     Yuri: No.
     Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Who are you?
     Yuri: I'm Yuri, the trainer.
     Inspector Jacques Clouseau: And what is it you do, Yuri the trainer?
     Yuri: I train.
     Inspector Jacques Clouseau: So, you are Yuri the trainer who trains.

36.  Antz (1998)
     Z: I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. My mother never had time for me. You know, when you're - when you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention. I mean, how is that possible?

37.  Zoolander (2001)
     Derek Zoolander: Why do you hate models, Matilda?
     Matilda: Honestly?
     Hansel: Yes.
     Matilda: I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
     Hansel: I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?

38. “To do then now would be retro. To do then then was very now-tro, if you will.”
      A Mighty Wind (2003) – Mark Shubb (Harry Shearer)

39. “Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.”
  
      Annie Hall (1977) – Alvy Singer (Woody Allen)

40. “I don't date these girls because they're well-read. I gave one of them a copy of
      "Farewell to Arms". She thought it was a diet book.”
      The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996) – Henry Fine (George Segal)

41. “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”
      The House Bunny (2008) - Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris)

42. “If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
  
      Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) – Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)

43. “Do you know who I used to be?”
      The Producers (1968) - Max Bialystock (Zero Mostel)

44. “I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. I
      looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”
      Annie Hall (1977) – Alvy Singer (Woody Allen)

45. “You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.”
     
      Animal Crackers (1930) – Captain Spaulding (Groucho Marx)


a     You must be a good runner, because you are always running in my mind
      You must be a good thief, because you have stolen my heart, and
      I am  a bad shooter because Iam always shooting you.
      If you read this, I am smart
      If you save this, you agree that I am smart
      If you forward this, you are spreading I am smart
      If you delete this your jealous because I am smart
      God offered me a  wish, I said “world peace”
      He said it s not possible, ask another
      I asked him to make you intelligent
      God said “let me try world peace”.

46. “If we bury you ass up, I’ve got a place to park my bike”.   
  
      Patch Adams (1998) – Patch Adams (Robin Williams)

47. “When God created woman, he gave her not two breasts but three.  When the middle one
      got in the way, God performed surgery.  Woman stood before God, with the middle breast
      in hand.  Said, ‘What do we do with the useless boob?’, and God created man.”
  
      A Prairie Home Companion (2006) – Dusty (Woody Harrelson)
funny quotes by famous people ,what they that

48.  Admiral Benson: Call down to the galley and order up some soup.
     Lt. Commander Block: Yes, sir.
     Admiral Benson: Ahhh... I love soup. At least I think I love soup. Blasted shell! It's either soup or duck. Which one do you shoot?
     Lt. Commander Block: Duck, sir.
     [Admiral Benson hits head on desk while ducking]
     Lt. Commander Block: Are you alright, sir?
     Admiral Benson: Of course, I'm alright! Why, what have you heard?

49.  Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993)
     Ramada Rodham Hayman: I'm married. I was married before you and I ever met. I'm still married today.
     Topper Harley: You're joking.
     Ramada Rodham Hayman: I'm not.
     Topper Harley: You've got to be.
     Ramada Rodham Hayman: If I was joking, I would say: "A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Why the long face?'"
     Topper Harley: You are married.

50.  Knocked Up (2007)
     Alison Scott: [to Debbie] What do you think? He's funny, right?
     Ben Stone: [to Debbie's kids] Fetch!
     Debbie: [to Alison] He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.

51.  Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
     Ron Burgundy: [Ron is shirtless in his office and is doing arm curls with dumbbells] 1001... 1002... 1003...
     Veronica Corningstone: Uh, Mr. Burgundy? Helen said that you needed to see me.
     Ron Burgundy: Oh, Miss Corningstone. I wasn't expecting company. Just doing my workout. Tuesday's arms and back.
     Veronica Corningstone: Well, you asked me to come by, sir.
     Ron Burgundy: Oh, did I?
     Veronica Corningstone: Yes.
     Ron Burgundy: Ohh, it's the deep burn. Oh, it's so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm 'cause I did so many. I don't know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.

52. “I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split
      personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people.”
  
      Zelig (1983) – Leonard Zelig (Woody Allen)

53. “During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew.  We were
      compelled to live on food and water for several days.”
      My Little Chickadee (1940) – Cuthbert J. Twillie (W.C. Fields)

happy quotes

54. “I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
      So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993) – Charlie Mackenzie (Mike Myers)

55. “I have here an accident policy that will absolutely protect you no matter what happens.
      If you lose a leg, we'll help you look for it.”
      A Night at the Opera (1935) – Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho Marx)

56.  If swimming is the good exercise to stay fit,
     Why whales are fat?
     Why is that everyone wants to go to heaven,
     But nobody want to die?
     Shall I say that there is racial discrimination in chess as
     White piece is moved first?
     In our country, we have freedom for speech,
     Then why telephone bills?
     If money doesn’t grow as trees,
     Then why do banks have branches?
     Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
     Why doesn’t a glu stick to its bottle?
     Why do you still call It a building,
     When its already built?
     If you are not suppose to drink and drive
     Why do bars have parking lotz?
     We are funny people living in a seriously funny world…..!
     Americans incented simcard.
     Japanese invented cellphone
     Indians invented “missed call”.
     Proud to be an Indian.

57. “Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I never tried.”
  
      Klondike Annie (1936) – The Frisco Doll (Mae West)

58. “Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.”
  
      Naked Gun 33 ½ : The Final Insult (1994) – Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)

59. “You know, my mother never had time for me.  When you're the middle child in a
      family of five million, you don't get any attention."
      Antz (1998) - Z (Woody Allen)
60.   Donkey: So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
      Shrek: In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her.
      Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

61.   Messenger: [Leonidas has kissed the Persian's messenger on the mouth] What the hell was that?
      Leonidas: What?
      Messenger: You just kissed me!
      Leonidas: That is how men great each other in Sparta: high-fives for the women [high-fives Margo]
      Leonidas: and open-mouthed tongue kisses for the men!


62. “I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. One day he tells me it's my
      fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife, and told him it was his fault I was   
      stabbing him.”
  
      Living Out Loud (1998) – Liz Bailey (Queen Latifah)


63. “Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C.
      on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all
      be put out on K.P.”.  
  
      Good Morning Vietnam (1987) – Adrian Cronauer (Robin Williams)

64. "I'm Al Gore, I used to be the next president of the United States.”
  
      An Inconvenient Truth (2006) – Al Gore (himself)

65. “I know, I know. We are your chosen people. But once in a while can't you choose
      someone else?”
      Fiddler on the Roof (1971) – Tevye (Topol)

66. Have you done two of the most important things when you woke up today
    1) Pray……So that you may live
    2) Take bath……So that others may live.
    7 ways to be happy:
    1) Never hate
    2) Don’t worry
    3) Live simple
    4) Expect little
    5) Give a lot
    6) Always smile
    7) Have a great friend like me.
facebook funny quotes for u friend
67. “Which reminds me of the time an Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, a Vicar, a Rabbi
      and a Priest all go into a bar and the barman looks up and says 'Is this a joke?'”
      Keeping Mum (2005) – Rev. Walter Goodfellow (Rowan Atkinson )


68.  Richard Hayden: Oh that sounds good; melted chocolate inside the dash. That really ups the resale value.
     Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
     Richard Hayden: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
     Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
     Richard Hayden: Are you talking?
     Tommy: Shut up, Richard.

69.  Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
     Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
     Austin Powers: What's your point, Vanessa?

70.  Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (2009)
     Manny: Guys don't talk to guys about guy problems. They just... punch each other on the shoulder.
     Ellie: That's stupid!
     Manny: To a girl. To a guy that's like six months therapy!

71.  Private the Penguin: Skipper. Shouldn't we tell them that the boat is out of gas?
     Skipper the Penguin: Nah! Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.

true quotes

72.  If you ever want to succeed in your life,
     Be sweet  as honey, be regular as clock,
     Be fresh as rose, be soft as tissue,
     Be strong as rock, be smart as me.
     Monday goes to Tuesday to see Wednesday and
     Ask Thursday whether Friday has told Saturday that
     Sunday is a holiday, Have a great Sunday.

73.  Your friendship is like blank cheque for me,
     Its an asset not a liability, always a credit not a debit
     Always a profit not a loss and I hope it will never bounce.
     A woman had 8 sons, all named Kevin
     On asking how she managed to call one in particular
     Her answer “that’s easy  I call them by their surnames”
     What is true  friendship
     You cry and I cry
     You sad and I sad
     You laugh and I laugh
     You jump out of window, I look down, I am still laughing.
     Good Morning:

all time famous funny quotes for ever
74.  Thought for the day
     Never make the same mistake twice.
     There are so many new ones
     Try a different one each day.
     After all ….
     Variety is the spice of life.
     Why do we fall in love?
     Lack of Experience…
     Why do we break in love?
     Lack of Patience…
     Then why do we want to fall in love again?
     Lack of brains…
     What is difference between Poetry and Essay?
     Any word uttered by a girlfriend is poetry
     While anything said by a wife is an Essay!